۩♥ A JaR oF HeARtS ♥۩

I met most "future-ex-boyfriends" via internet; in social network pages like Tagged, Myspace and yeah in Facebook too..

Blind-dates are fun and “falling-in-like” with total strangers who wrote good emails with catchy first-impressions like that simple “please-add-me-as-your-friend, Princess Farah because I hate my old circle of friends” is pretty damn ass-kicking as well.

But they only excites me for a week or so. Maybe I’m easily bored or maybe all I did was trying to limit myself from falling in love over and over again. I just don’t want to get hurt again and crying is not what I have in mind right now.

I didn’t mean to lead them on by flirting or by getting horny when they sex-talk me online but I am naughty by nature but mostly an angry bird with a serious case of indescribable awkward mood-swings that scares most internet friends.. LOL..

Maybe it’s karma (for breaking a lot of hearts when I was much hotter and younger and sexier.. duuhhhh.. ) because lately my own precious fragile heart seems to be broken far too many times.

Sometimes I just wanna give up finding love and it seems like I finally accepting the faith to end up being alone (and lonely).... (owhh and grumpy too) until the day I die but honestly, I hate being alone, day-in and day-out… (How lame is lame?) LAME!!!!

I seriously don’t have any problems getting any guys to go out with but I hate going the interview-like blind dates and dating new guys different days every week. It’s tiring. I’m not young anymore. I'm done with that phase of lifestyles… that is like so eeuuuwwwww…

However, it’s pretty pathetic to walk into an empty bedroom after a hard day at work staring at my empty bed and sometimes chatting with my four loyal teddies. It gets worst once I started playing non-stop love songs at full-blasts volume. Sometimes tears ran down my chubby cheeks… urrgghhh… pathetic… obviously! No doubt!

Putting a smile on my face wasn’t an easy task but since there’s a lot of people worry too much about me, I've to fake my own happiness (so they could stop worrying, for god’s sake)

Everyone needs someone to love (and I’m not talking about family members and friends). I really need to be loved, need to be wanted, need to be needed, need to be missed... bla bla bla...

Maybe he’s right there in front of me but I just can’t tell which one is my future soul mate (yes, I am still dating a few potential future-ex-boyfriends on and off) still, I don’t have strong feelings towards any of them. It’s like “I’m-Dating-Just-To-Kill-Time” so “Don’t-Expect-The-Unexpected-From Me”.

But it is obvious, I’m still finding “THE ONE”, for mission is still unaccomplished!

I’m not looking for a future husband mainly because I don’t have any intentions to re-marry. I just want someone to love me as much as I loved him.

I did came across a few A-Lists-Mr Right along the way. They didn’t break my heart because it seems like I was the one collecting a jar of hearts instead. Then again, maybe they did.

I met Nadir on Tagged just a day after my 34th Birthday. We hit it off after a few phone calls. We’re officially “a couple of love sick puppies” after the fourth day of emailing each other and hours of phone-conversations.

How could that be possible? Well… I've been asking myself the same question over and over again. God works in mysterious ways & Love is an unsolved puzzle!!

He brings out the best in me. I can almost “feel” him every night while talking over the phone for several hours every single night for over a year.

I was all over him. So madly-in-love with him. Seeing him as my future husband. I was ready, willing and able.

We talked about marriage and having kids (NOT!! I am so not gonna get pregnant ever again!) I told him if he needs a mini-him running around the house, feel free to adopt or marry another. Because I loved him so much, I didn’t even betray him not a single bit. I didn’t flirt of dating other guys. It was all about him and him alone.

For the first time in my entire life, I had series of hand-written snail-mail love letters sent to him via DHL weekly. I am a romantic freak. It’s like being in love at the age of 16 (since I have never felt what it’s like to fall in love at 16, I guessed it was a rain-cheque that I claimed a lil’ too late)

Then he changed. His friends told me he’s seeing a few girls while on tour. He never admitted those accusations but saying that those guys were just trying to get my attentions (little did he know, I dated some of them before, so I trusted them more than him) but loves blinded me with his sweet cover-up stories. He’s a superb actor. Should win a few awards for lying to me in numerous occasions.

I cried each time I heard of his new flings and rendezvous until one day I decided to call it quit because I certainly had enough of his lies and tales. With a “Dear John” final snail-mail, I bid him farewell and avoiding his calls and text messages ever since.

It was hard at first. He broke my heart for betraying my loyalty and trusts but it was my decision to leave him.

But even after three years, he's still chasing after me. Wanting me back. A lil' late, dontcha think so, Nadir dearest? Still received his text messages every now and then... so lame...

Then I was single again. Flirting. Breaking more hearts. Playing a player’s part (I’m so fucking good at it too)

CJ came into my life a couple of years after Nadir. Met him a few days before my 37th birthday. I was telling my friends that “WoW! Look at that guy in Red shirt. My perfect lollypop! My future-ex-boyfriend. Come to momma!” and we laughed out loud.

Somehow a friend fixed us up and his first phone call came in a few minutes after my birthday countdown by the condo’s poolside soon after my lime-cutting ceremony for that stupid santau thingy (whereas I could’ve been cutting layers of chocolate cheese cake in club instead)

We chatted a bit but it was unpleasant with some misunderstanding matters and I was a bit turn-off by then. He had to leave for an offshore duty the same day so it was okay. At least I don’t have to listen to him for another month or so but a week later he called again and it was love above thousands meter above sea level…

It was sucha beautiful feelings (again???) he’s my perfect soulmate (again and again). So there goes another cases of busses and trains..

Ahah! No snail-mail this time around… BUT.. I repeat… BUT a journal… Journal?? Haha I know… corny ain't it? LOL… I wrote him a Love Journal with different types of hand writting, handmade stickers & love coupons (so lame indeed), with drawings, love quotes, my daily routine, my dreams, my thoughts, my feelings and yesssss… my fantasies (damn! I’m sucha lil’ slut ain't i?) but it was LOVE. Was… people tend to over-do it when they’re in love and I’m no exception (yea right!!).

When he came back from offshore to see me, I was a nervous-wreck but it was so beautiful. You know, the feelings of butterflies flying across my super-flabby tummy, the sweaty palms, the fast heartbeat, it was indeed pure love (so I thought)  Magical moment indeed. He was what I wanted in a guy.

I was so madly in love with him (again.. will I ever learned my previous heart-ache?) until the “true-colour” exposure..

He wants me to move-in with him under one roof. He told me to get rid of all my clothes because they were “too sexy” (like OMG! Your country is very hot! Duuhhh… it’s not about me being sexy but honestly darling, Your Country Is So Fucking Hot! So less is best! No prickly heat. No rashes).  

I have to give daily report of my locations and agendas (what am i? A convicted serial killer on parole?)

Suffocated. Out of breath. Urrgghhh… the best part is, he asked me to marry him. Start a new life with him. So sweet of him, right?

NOT..

The location of our so-called wedding?

Australia!

The reason of his self-proclaimed perfect venue?  

So he doesn’t have to convert to Islam.

Hurrrrmmmm.. there goes my perfect wedding.

Well, CJ dearest, I love you with all my heart BUT I am not an orphan. I have my parents, my siblings, family members and most of all, I have two beautiful children. They’re alive. I won’t betray them and my religion just because I wanna marry you. No way Jose!

I have to let go of a beautiful future but I’d rather lose a man whom I loved the most than my whole family members who loved me from the day I was born.

So CJ is another history (who came back last month out of no where because he realized the girl he dated after me is a serious case of lunatic... errrr do I even care, CJ? Do I? Really??

Next!

Then came Roy. While I was having issues with CJ, Roy came to cheer me up and ease the pain. He is more promising and nicer and easy going. No rules. No dress-code. No law. No fuss.

Roy is different from any other guys I dated over the years. Opposite attractions thingy. He was super nice. Very caring and lovey-dovey.

Sweet like chocolate... (errr or was it dark as chocolate because he is so damn dark... like chocolate.. just like dark-chocolate)

In love again.. that’s right… again and again… never learned..

We dated a few months until one day he was checking out my celly while I was sleeping and found tons of old MMSes and SMSes that really pissed him off. May I reminded you that those were OLD MMSes and SMSes?

I rest my case.

That’s the end of a beautiful relationships. Short and simple.

We hook up a few months after that because he said he forgive me and he loved me too damn much and he doesn't want to let go of me (I do believed him but I hate going 'thru my daily routine with a jealous guy around the corner) and I found out what an asshole he truly was because when I refused to have sex with him, he slapped me hard on my face at my doorsteps in front of my condo unit at 4am. What the fuck???

But lately, series of ex-boyfriends kept calling again. Telling me they want me back, how much they misses me.. bla bla bla... shitty-crap bla bla.. that "dalam hati ada taman" kinda shits...

Whatta sick joke, guys… how original? What am I again? Yeaahhhh that's right... I am your Super-Duper-Ex-Girlfriend... so lets just keep it that way, aite?

I don’t wanna keep plucking daisies for “He-LoVeD-Me-He-LoVeD-Me-NOT” routine… pheewwww.... tiring… (not that I am still doing that... but it's gonna be a cute scene tho)

Learn to appreciate me while I was/am madly in love with you, NOT after I dumped you for not treating me well..

I’m not a grumpy-hand-made-puppet! I’m a rare gem. I will love you like no other. I will treat you like a King if you treat me like a Queen. I am able to make u go GAGA 24/7.. but not after we drifted apart and separated.

Moral of the story?

I’m kinda tired swimming against the current. So if any guys is treating me like he doesn’t give a shit; meaning – he genuinely doesn’t give a shit.

But... but.. but... I will love and be loved again as I refuse to allow my heart be tainted by series of scars from the past because my path was lighten up in days of darkness... (OMG!! Pass me the wet tissue, I need to vomit... sucha drama-queen...)

If you... yeah you... If you have feelings for me, tell it to my face... take the risk of telling me.. Stop beating around the bush...

No exception! If you want me to love you with all my heart, you just have to learn to trust me, never doubt me and accept me as I am. No, it ain't easy loving me but that is the risk..

Don't ever make fun of me when I tell you how much I miss you because I meant it.. I am not scared to voice out my feelings when I am in love because to me, love un-expressed is a crime against the heart.. I am telling it to your face because I might not have the chance to say it again..

And please... please... I am begging you please... Don’t change me into someone you loved previously because I am not her and will never be her!

Love doesn't need to be doubted, tested or proven. It's meant to be shown, shared and nurtured.

I am what I am!

"Love is as much of an object as an obsession. Everybody wants it, but few ever achieved it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it and among all, never ever forget it... "  (Curtis Judalet)

Hugs & kisses,

❥❥ FaRaH ❥❥

(published in my facebook on November 7, 2011 at 3:31pm)